A heart full of love
by IThinkIJustGleedMyself
Summary: A/U - Rachel finds herself struggling between following her heart and doing the right thing.


**Hi, I loved and hated writing this at the same time. Hope you like reading it! :)**

**Beta'd by my wonderful Lucy **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

She practically skips into the apartment, her body buzzed with an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction and excitement. All she needs now is to share it with someone. And that someone walks out from the kitchen area of the small shared apartment the minute he hears the door burst open.

"How'd it go?" he asks, frantic with nerves. She feels herself smiling fondly toward her best friend. It's endearing how much he cares about this, cares about _her_, saying over and over again that she deserves to succeed. Rachel can't help but agree with him – she puts an abundance of effort into her work, so why shouldn't it pay off?

Her grin says it all, and Finn is by her side within a couple of seconds, those familiar, strong arms pulling her off her feet in an elated embrace. She giggles, almost delirious with happiness, not only from gaining the part, but from being so close to Finn, so much that she can smell that musky cologne that he uses, a smell that she'd long associated with him. His lips graze across her hairline, whispers of how proud he is following.

Rachel beams, pure pride and glee showing on her face; she feels as though she could burst from it any moment.

Before she even realizes, Finn's getting his coat and grabbing his keys and wallet. When she questions it with a quirked eyebrow, he just nudges her playfully and says, "we gotta celebrate your first big part, right?" She grins in response. "My treat, now come on, Miss Eponine."

"Hey, you remembered the name of the character," she comments, impressed.

"Of course," he replies, his face falling slightly, "you really think I could forget it?"

She smiles at the way that he sounds offended, quickly brushing it off and reassuring him that she meant nothing by what she said. "It's just that you're rather… forgetful. It's nothing bad."

"Hmm," he shrugs, not really agreeing or disagreeing, "that's because I only remember the things that are _really_ important." He looks to her, his half smile beginning to shine. Rachel feels her heart flutter wildly in her chest – Finn is the only person that makes her feel truly special.

* * *

The music is too loud, and the rooms are too warm, but by Finn's side she manages to ignore all of those factors and focuses on having fun with her best friend. The alcohol running through her system has left her light headed and unable to string together words into a coherent sentence. Finn just laughs at every attempt she makes and stops their dancing – she pouts, a _lot_ – to get her to a quiet corner.

With care, he sits her down and smiles fondly. "I know you hate it when people say so, but you really are a lightweight," he laughs, looking for a seat himself but the crammed room offers nothing more. She notices and pats her lap, her coordination a little off.

Finn shakes his head, a bemused glint in his eye. "Rach, I'd crush you if I sat on you."

"No!" she protests. Her voice is almost childlike, especially when a few giggles follow. He doesn't seem to understand what's so funny, and proceeds to give her a funny look, until the point where Rachel gets tired of him standing and maneuvers them both, clumsily, so that she's sitting on his lap. Her small frame is much more suited for this, and she smiles, throwing her head back so it lies against his shoulder.

His arms holding tightly around her waist, he leans in closer. "I think it's time to call it a night, hmm?" She can only smell the slight hint of alcohol on his breath, so he must have held off in case that she got completely hammered – that is an inevitability, seeing as she just has a very low tolerance for this stuff – and he could take care of her. Rachel's heart warms at the care that he's taking with her, leaning her head to the side so that they're staring face to face.

Finn is still smiling, and she just takes a moment, a moment to watch and observe. She's always loved the tender way his lips curve into those smiles, how those dimples appear in his cheeks, and the way in which the corners of his eyes crinkle ever so slightly. She loves those smiles. She loves Finn Hudson, too.

Faces so close, dangerously close, she shivers when his breath hits her skin, the shiver creeping softly down her spine. Then she smiles and finds her eyes drawn down to his lips. She doesn't know how many times she's imagined kissing them – sometimes delicately, taking her time to admire each inch, and then other times not so much.

Not really thinking at all, she moves in closer, craving to finally make that connection between their lips. And the rush of alcohol is making all consequences forgotten, no worries or repercussions. Just her and Finn, and this moment.

And then everything goes black.

* * *

The light hurts. Sounds hurt. And all Rachel wants to do is sleep for hours on end, curled up in her nice, warm bed. She groans when her bedroom door opens, the hinges creaking under the movement, and then slowly turns to see who it is.

"Oh look who's awake," Kurt announces, not looking particularly happy with her. In his hand he has a glass of water and some aspirin. Something which she desperately needs.

Rachel manages to sit, though it makes a wave of nausea hit her without any warning. She throws a hand over her mouth and flings herself out of bed, running toward the bathroom. Barging the door open, she just about makes it to the toilet before proceeding to spill the contents of her stomach into it. Exhausted and feeling like she's just been hit by a train, she slumps against the toilet seat.

Then she hears the sound of the shower turning off and realizes in horror that she's just walked in on Finn. He steps out of the shower in a rush, completely and utterly _naked_, and hurries to find a towel. As soon as his modesty is covered – and really, Rachel isn't sure whether she'll be able to get _that_ image out of her mind, ever. On the plus side, Finn is just as impressive as she'd always imagined – he is right by her side, concern etched over his wet face.

He brushes his hand through her hair softly, "you alright?"

Honestly, she doesn't even care that he's getting her wet, or that she's just been sick. All she sees is Finn, and that's enough to make anyone smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just…" she closes her eyes, head banging, "a little hungover."

"A little?" he laughs, "you threw up all over Kurt last night." She balks, humiliation creeping onto her face.

"So that's why he's angry at me," she realizes, inwardly cringing at her actions. Having been thrown up on before she can sympathize with Kurt, and she'll make sure to apologize with some homemade sugar cookies. The thought of baking makes her stomach do a series of somersaults, and she covers her mouth again.

Finn swoops closer, "Rach?"

"I'm fine," she waves off his concern, but at the same time tries not to smile over it.

* * *

It takes until the rest of the day and a _Project Runway_ marathon to get Kurt to forgive her for the sick incident. Seeing as she doesn't remember it at all – apparently she passed out, too, so she's avoiding alcohol for a while – he eventually softened his armor and let it go, not after making her pay for the outfit that she 'completely destroyed'.

Though she's used to being productive, she allows herself to lounge around for the day, her hangover really being the deciding factor, and maybe she's doing so because today is Finn's day off work, too, and she'd rather be with him that pathetically sitting in her room by herself.

She sits next to him, her body positioned so that her back is against his arm and that she's leaning against him, comfortably so. From the way they are, she feels when his cell starts to vibrate in his pocket, and has to move as he struggles to get it out.

The screen lights up, along with Finn's face when he reads the message, leaving her curiosity piqued. Twisting to the side ever so slightly, she tries to read it, but he's too fast and is already replying before she gets the chance. A little saddened, she attempts to focus on the movie that they're watching, while Finn continues to text.

It shouldn't bother her, she reasons with herself. It's stupid to be act as though Finn can't talk to anyone else, like she's the only one allowed to make him smile and laugh like that. Yes, it's stupid, and at the same time an uncontrollable reaction. She frowns to herself, wanting to dispel this horrible feeling gnawing at her, but it persists, perhaps even growing stronger.

She doesn't move from where she is, and occasionally she'll see one or two of the things sent to Finn, long, filled texts, but the writing too small to tell. Rachel has a bad feeling though – she's a little psychic, and she knows when something is off. Right now she feels a shift taking place, their comfortable little existence being altered, and she doesn't like it one bit.

* * *

The first day of rehearsals is both nerve wracking and thrilling, but she wears a confident smile and steps into the large theater. It's early, an hour before they need to be there, so she's not surprised when the room is a little sparse. She only finds the director backstage, the man just as welcoming as he had been during her audition. He seems nice enough, and she's really just grateful to him for giving her first big chance as one of the leads, rather than being pushed to the background. And she's more than determined to tackle the role of Eponine with everything that she's got, to prove to Broadway that Rachel Barbra Berry is the next big star.

She takes to the director for a while, warming to him easily. His kind nature and welcoming attitude rids her of her anxieties and she feels at home already on the stage.

The next person to arrive is a man called Blaine, a couple of years her senior, who is playing Enjolras. He smiles to her, looking just as giddy as she had been upon entering, before the excitement bubbles away and they sit and calmly talk. "So what else have you been in?" he asks, upon learning that this is her first main role. He, on the other hand, played Tony is _West Side Story_ for a good four months before moving onto this.

"Hmm, just a lot of chorus parts, and once I was Girl 2, but other than that and High School productions this is the biggest thing I've had," she says.

"Ah," he nods with a knowing look, "now you get your chance to be center. You even get a solo, too." He smiles. Rachel returns it.

"It feels amazing. I honestly can't wait for opening night, for that exhilaration that performing brings." Closing her eyes, she can imagine the cheering of the audience, see the standing ovation, and this time they'll be for her.

Blaine agrees quickly, and Rachel decides that she likes Blaine Anderson.

* * *

"Finn, do you know how unhealthy those are for you?" she sighs as he tries putting cookies and chips into the cart without her seeing, but she does and is quick to scold him. Really, she doesn't know why she even takes him grocery shopping – it's like taking a child sometimes. Only, she knows that she needs someone to haul the entirety of the bags back to the apartment. Being so little, she can't manage it by herself.

Turning to face him properly, she finds him trying to use puppy dog eyes on her, but just tightens her jaw. "I'm just trying to keep you in shape," Rachel announces.

He frowns, "Are you saying that I'm fat?"

"No," she groans loudly, "just that your eyes are bigger than your stomach."

Finn smiles, nods, and then frowns again. "What? I don't get it."

Despite herself, she smiles at his expression and reaches for his hand, pulling him down the aisle. She really should have expected this short grocery trip to go as such, since Finn has pretty much wanted to get the same things ever since they moved in together and started doing it, only at that time Kurt came too. Now it's just them, and just how she likes it.

Sometimes she pretends that they're there as boyfriend and girlfriend, rather than just friends. Living inside that fantasy makes her happy, and keeps her hopeful that one day it'll happen, one day she won't have to pretend any more. Rachel doesn't remember exactly when her silly little crush turned into these real, deeply rooted feelings. Maybe one, two years ago? She moved in with Finn and Kurt, upon them needing a third roommate for rent, just as she finished her time at college and instantly she'd been drawn to Finn. She can't help it, of course – he's Finn and right now she doesn't know how to _not_ love him as more than a friend. He means too much to her.

Right now, she finds herself staring, again. Soft, longing looks, usually followed by a wistful sigh. She just wants everything too much, including Finn. He turns back to her, eyes bright, glistening. "Rach, one box of cookies. Please?" She looks unimpressed. "I'll love you forever," he tries.

Her breath hitches slightly; she knows that it wasn't meant in that way, but just hearing him say it regardless sets her heart ablaze. If only he knew, he'd think it completely sad and pathetic that those three words, intended for the _friendship_ kind of love, can make her feel so ecstatic.

But she covers it well, "that's it?"

"You'll let me have them because you love me too," he says, adorably so.

If only he knew the truth.

Rachel manages a weak smile, looking down.

"Okay, but just one."

"Yes!" he fist pumps the air, putting the cookies into the car, not before he grins at her. "You're the best."

Her face brightens in delight, staring up at him fondly.

"Come on," he begins, "we need to wrap this up quickly. I have a date in a couple of hours."

And that's when Rachel Berry's world comes crashing down around her.

* * *

"A _date_?" she finds herself pacing around her room later that day, as Finn gets ready in his room and Kurt is still at work. Has she missed something? How did she not find out that her best friend met someone? Rachel shakes her head, her steps only becoming faster and her thoughts more erratic. She stands, hands tightly held against her chest and face scrunched up in confusion.

Inside, a mixture of jealously and confusion simmer away. Not only that, but hurt too. She and Finn tell each other everything – what made him decide to withhold this particular piece of information from her?

And more importantly, who is this girl that Finn's found himself interested in? What did she do that made her special enough for Finn?

Rachel sighs, and then drops back onto her bed with a defeated slump of her shoulders. The real question lingers in the back of her mind. What does this girl have that she doesn't?

A knock on her door breaks her from her thoughts, and then Finn is letting himself in, all bouncy and excited over his date. It rips her heart in two. Still, she smiles in greeting to him, and stands from her bed to advance his way. He's in a simple blue shirt, sleeves rolled up, and sporting casual dark jeans. "Don't you clean up well," she comments, craning her neck to peer up at him. Those nerves are creeping onto his face, practically radiating off of him, too.

She smiles gently, her hand finding his arm and gently rubbing it. "Hey, don't be so scared. It's just a date." The word is hard to get out, sounding sadder than ever; she hopes that he doesn't notice.

Thankfully, he just sighs and gives a jittery reply of, "yeah, but I don't want to screw it up. Maddy is really awesome and like, I know I'm going to do something stupid and she'll never want to see me again and –"

"Finn, stop putting yourself down before you've even tried. Anyway," she starts, straightening out his collar without thinking, "she's going to love you, because you're _you_." Her expression softens lovingly, "and if she doesn't see that then she doesn't deserve you."

He looks to her, smiling at her words, before he's reaching down and slipping his arms around her small frame. "Thanks Rach. You really are the best friend ever, you know that, right?"

Rachel holds back the tears; she doesn't want to be the best friend. She wants _more_. But nothing of that sentiment is said to Finn, in place a small nod and smile. "Yeah, I know. I am pretty great."

Finn laughs, and then checks his watch, turning into a frantic mess when he realizes the time. She has to calm him down again on three other occasions, each time being as delicate and cautious as the next. Eventually, she's ushering him out of the apartment, trying her best to keep it together. He hugs her again, and kisses her forehead. "Wish me luck."

Quietly so, "… break a leg, Finn."

His smile grows and he's down the hall quickly, only stopping to shout down to her, "wait up for me tonight. I want to tell you how it goes." Like a giddy child, he then leaves, and she keeps on a strong face. Inside, she's torn apart – she doesn't want to hear about every little detail of his date, how they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes… how _happy_ he is with someone else.

It should be her who makes him feel like that.

* * *

She's startled out of sleep by the sound of something dropping to the floor, eyes widening to find herself lay on the couch, gaze then moving across the room to where Finn is stood, cursing and staring at the lamp he'd knocked off the coffee table. "Finn," she mumbles tiredly, sitting herself up and facing him properly. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the clock brightly showing 2:43 am and she frowns.

He looks apologetic, picking up the lamp and checking for any damage, only then to return it to its place. "Shit, Rach, I'm sorry – it was dark and I wasn't looking where I was going." He looks to it again, "it isn't broken though."

"I don't care about the lamp," she mumbles, her tiredness leading to being snappy, which Finn knows all too well from living with her so long. Silence. "… I waited for you." _And then you never came and still, I stayed here._

The guilt on his face almost makes her want to forgive him, but she just hardens her own. She stands, still in the clothes she'd worn that day, and makes to go to her room. He follows.

"Look, I know that I told you to wait, but I didn't expect last night to be so… so…" He's unable to think of the right adjective, frowning when it persists. "Besides, I tried to call you, but your phone wasn't working."

She peers at him curiously, finding her phone on the couch and then peering through it. "Finn, there's nothing here," she states as a matter of fact, showing him the screen. "No calls, no messages. Nothing."

"What?" he calls out in shock and surprise.

"Oh give up the act already."

"Rachel, I genuinely called. Ask Maddy and see for yourself – I definitely called you."

She looks to his face, searching for any signs of lying, though she sees none of them. So clearly he must be telling the truth and she just didn't get the calls. She sighs, "look, I believe you." He breathes a clear sigh of relief. "Why don't we both go to bed and talk in the morning?"

Finn nods along with her, and she goes to her room to get into some pajamas and then into bed. Just as she's finding some from her drawers she realizes that Finn is still stood in her doorway. "What do you want?" she questions irritably.

He tilts his head to the side, "you're not mad at me, are you? For coming back so late."

Hesitating, she finally says, "I was mad before, but it's fine now. All I am at the moment is tired – " She doesn't get the chance to finish as he kind of appears from nowhere behind her and hugs her from there, resting his chin on her head.

"You're really tiny," he points out.

"I wasn't aware," Rachel laughs along. "Now can I have use of my arms back? I want to get into my pajamas."

Smiling, he slowly lets go. "Thank you, for what you said before. I don't think it would have gone so well without your help."

"…You're welcome," she replies quietly. Is it terrible that a part of her had wished the date not to be so successful? She's his best friend; she ought to want him as happy as possible, and for his relationship to go well, but selfishly she hoped for a different outcome for the night. One in which he'd come home early from a disastrous date and who else would he turn to other than his best friend, who can offer him comfort and smiles even though it went badly.

And yet, that's not the night she received. No matter what happened, at least one of them was going to end up heartbroken.

It seems like it was always going to be her.

* * *

After the incident following the date, Finn has been trying to overcompensate – spending more time with her, taking her to the movies, going for lunch. If anything, it's not making the situation any better. Especially when he spends a lot of said time talking about Maddy, and Rachel finds herself wondering how she's managed to highly dislike someone that she's never met before.

But Finn is oh so eager for his best friend and girlfriend to meet, which leads to the predicament of having to be in the same room as the happy couple together. It's only been a month and yet they're sickeningly sweet together, always calling each other to say goodnight and such. And she supposes that Maddy is just as happy doing so, leading her to a situation where she doesn't want to be anywhere near them when they're being like that, _together_. It's hard enough to hear about it, but to actually see it with her own eyes is another thing.

She's in rehearsal, sat backstage while the director talks to those playing Valjean and Fantine. Rachel doesn't realize that she looks sad at all until Blaine nudges her side, a frown set into his face, "hey, what's got you so down?"

Turning, she finds worry etched onto his face, making her feel worse as she's the reason for it. When she doesn't say anything, he pushes the matter.

"Look, I know we haven't been friends for that long, but I can still tell something's up… maybe I could help?"

She shakes her head, "it's silly."

"It's got to be something serious to make you look that sad," he says.

"I –" Rachel cuts herself short, She drops her head, for the first time in her life struggling to find the words that she needs. Blaine's hand finds her shoulder, giving an encouraging squeeze. "I'm sorry," she quick to say, "I'm just not used to… to letting anyone know – no one can know." She's said too much already, she knows, and the unshed tears in her eyes give way that something's wrong. Only Blaine doesn't know what that is and all he can do is gently coax her into a hug, soothing a hand up and down her back.

"Oh Rachel," he whispers, making sure that no one around them hears anything. She doesn't want to make a scene, and she's thankful that Blaine seems to realize that. Still, he's worried, and that's clear, too. Rachel smiles, for a brief second, when she thinks how lucky she is to have developed a friendship with him over this past month.

He ushers her to a more private area, all the while her nerves building up when she knows that she's going to have to tell him the truth, and she's never admitted that to anyone else before. She gulps, not feeling ready at all. But Blaine's persistent yet gentle nature will eventually get it out of her, she knows, and there's no point in resisting.

"Now," he says quietly, finding a tissue in his pocket for her to wipe away the tears she hadn't realized were rolling down her cheeks, "you know that you can tell me, right? I just want to help you."

"It's so _stupid_," she admits, more to herself, dabbing at her eyes and cheeks. Surely her mascara has run but she doesn't care, not now.

Blaine frowns, hushing her. "Hey, if you're this upset it can't be stupid, now just tell me."

"I'm…" she raises her gaze again, finding Blaine's large, caring eyes staring back at her. They put her more at ease, though not by much. He may keep insisting so, but it really is stupid, or so she feels. She's in love with her best friend – how cliché is that? But, unlike those clichéd movies, there hasn't been a moment in which they suddenly look at each other and things shift, their feelings realized. Finn is oblivious to them, and while it hurts for them to go unnoticed for so long, the fear of rejection holds her back from pursuing anything. And now, there's no way that he can find out, not when he's already with somebody else. Looking back to Blaine, she finds him waiting patiently, and finally says it out loud for the first time, "I'm in love with my best friend." More tears fall, though this time she doesn't bother wiping them away, "I love him so much, but he doesn't even know and he's dating this girl, this Maddy." Her word tumble out of her mouth at a frantic speed, "every time he mentions her I just, I feel like someone is cutting into my heart with a knife – it's awful…" She shakes her head again, sobbing out another, "I love him, and I can't do anything about it."

She doesn't dare look to Blaine now, for fear of what he might do, or say.

"Wow."

"W-what?" she tilts her neck so that she can peer slightly to him, finding nothing by sympathy in his face, his hand reaching to close around hers.

With a sigh, he says, "Rachel, that's... that's _not_ stupid."

"Yes it is." Her hands shaking, she tries to piece the sentences together. "I had… so many chances to tell him, to do _something_ about the way I feel, but I – I didn't. I was scared that he'd freak out, and because of that he's now with someone else. And they're so happy together… she's all that he talks about." Another broken sob, "every day, all he can think about is her – while all I can think about is _him_."

She closes her eyes, a sadness washing over her face, "he'll never feel that way about me, never think that way about me." The acceptance to her tone makes her cry even more, leaving Blaine to deal with the sobbing girl.

* * *

When she gets back to the apartment, late after her rehearsal, she finds herself smiling at the large lump on the couch, curled up against the back cushion. After her conversation today, and her much needed cry, she's been in a pretty sour mood, not wanting to talk to anyone, but returning home to Finn, his large body twisted around so it fits on their small couch, somehow gets her smiling again.

It's gone past midnight, and she doesn't want to wake him up now, so she finds a blanket from her room and carries it over to him. Draping it across his body, she realizes that it's a little too small to fit him entirely, but it'll have to do. He'll be fine for one night. Finally, she takes a look at his peaceful face, adorable even, as he sleeps, wishing that for once his dreams would be about her. She knows that's not going to happen. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Still, she forces herself to smile again and leans down to brush her lips against his forehead. At her touch, he shifts, his long eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks before he opens his eyes, smiling toward her. "Hey," he mumbles in greeting, "you're back." The way that he sounds so happy to see her sparks a thrill in her heart, and she smiles back.

"Why aren't you in your room? Surely this can't be comfortable," she points to his legs cramped against the side of the couch, "you're a little too big to lie on this."

She giggles when he scrunches up his face, before groaning and moving to a more comfortable position. "I was waiting for you to get home."

Rachel freezes, "were we supposed to do something?"

"No, no," he quickly reassures her," I was going to surprise you."

"You know that I hate surprises," she says.

"But I bought us ice cream and I was going to let you pick whatever movie we watched, even ones that we've seen a million times." He sends her a teasing smile.

Pursing her lips, she squeezes into the spot next to him, accepting the warmth that his body brings around hers happily. "We've seen them so many times because they're classics Finn, which is more than can be said for your explosion films."

"There are more than just explosions in them."

"Oh I'm sorry," she rolls her eyes, "Naked women, too."

"Yeah, don't forget about them." Finn grins childishly, a glint in his eyes. Rolling her own, she nudges his side.

"You're such a guy," she scoffs. But still, a smile lingers on her lips, one which he easily returns. While she finds a movie for them to watch, he gets the ice cream and the two regroup on the couch, Finn trying his best to get the small blanket over the two of them. She's sitting so close to him, able to feel how his chest expands and contracts slowly; she can smell his cologne strongly, smiling as she does, and then she leans her head against his shoulder, once again pretending that they're more than they are.

He shifts, his arm sliding over her shoulder so they can both sit more comfortably, and he opens the ice cream excitedly, licking his lips. Rachel laughs, "you've just been waiting for me to get home so you can eat that, haven't you?"

Mocking offence, he shakes his head, "you really think I was waiting to eat ice cream and not see you?"

"I don't know," she teases, "you looked pretty happy to see it."

Shaking his head, he ignores her and takes a spoonful, offering it to her first, and then eating it himself when she refuses, saying that she doesn't need to be spoon-fed. Finn just shrugs and goes back to eating as she focuses on the movie. It's not long before she feels Finn's gaze burning into her cheek, turning curiously to find his gaze intent on her. She blushes under the attention, hoping that he doesn't see it.

When she sends a questioning look his way, he just grabs the remote from her and pauses the TV. "Hey, it was just getting to the good part –" Finn silences her with a finger to her lips, her eyes dropping down to stare at it; it's so _long_ and – This time she cuts herself short, shaking her head. She sighs, "what is it Finn?"

"Remember how I asked you if you wanted to go for dinner with me and Maddy, but you were too busy with work?" She hesitates, then nods, "and then that time when you had all that laundry to do and then the other when your dads came up to see you." Rachel inwardly cringes at the excuses she's had to use to avoid meeting Maddy, at the same time wondering where Finn is going with this. "Well, I'm telling you in advance so you can keep the date booked," he smiles, oh so charmingly, and she smiles despite herself, "because next month is her birthday party and it'd really be awesome if you'd come, for me and to meet her."

The smile instantly plummets, as does her mood when she can't think of any way to get out of this. Her mouth drops open, an obvious lack of words following.

Finn tilts his head to the side, "Rachel?"

And now she's truly and utterly in trouble. Why can't she think of anything to say? It's pretty bad that she's so desperate to avoid this, to avoid seeing Finn with some other girl, all because it'll hurt her feelings too much, when he's her best friend and he just wants to share this with her. Rachel gets angry at herself, annoyed, and she wishes that her feelings weren't interfering with their friendship, just like she always knew they would.

She sighs, "yeah that sounds… it sounds great." But she can't stop herself from asking, "would you mind if I – if I brought someone?" His forehead creases, and she's quick to explain, "it's just that I don't want to be by myself if you were with Maddy, since I won't know anyone else there.

Watching closely, she sees Finn gulp, "you mean, a _guy_? You want to bring a guy?"

"Maybe," she shrugs, wondering if Blaine would go with her. He'd probably help to counteract the feeling of seeing Finn with Maddy, not as much as she'd like but it'd be something, and it would be nice to hang out with him in a setting other than their rehearsals.

He blinks. "Yeah, that's totally… fine, yeah, bring whoever you want."

Rachel smiles, leaning against him in a one sided hug, "I will, thanks Finn."

It's a little strange how he doesn't reply, instead putting the movie back in play, but she doesn't pay much attention to it as her mind begins to worry about meeting Maddy for the first time, something that she's been attempting to prevent for weeks. From what she's been told, the girl is sweet, funny and kind, but obviously she's biased, she knows that, and has a feeling that she won't share the same sentiments as Finn.

Only time will tell, she supposes, a heavy rain cloud hanging over her.

* * *

The party is in full swing, the drinks flowing, the music pumping, and thanks to the few vodka shots she and Blaine took before arriving, they are already giddy and tipsy by the time they arrive there. Arms linked, they laugh and stumble their way into the kitchen, where Finn is according to some random guest she'd asked.

He's there, towering above most other people, so it's easy for her to find him, and then her eyes wander down to the girl by his side. Maddy is average height - by no means anywhere near Finn, but definitely taller than her. She has light brown hair, just stopping above her shoulders, and her nose littered with freckles. All in all she looks like an average girl, but there's apparently something special that makes Finn like her.

Rachel braces herself, giving a look to Blaine who tightly curls his fingers around her own and gives an encouraging smile. She can do this.

"Finn!" she greets him exuberantly, voice so loud that it gains attention of everyone in the room.

He just smiles and advances her way, catching her when she stumbles on her stilettoes. "Have you been drinking already?" he laughs, knowing that this can only end in disaster.

With a beam, she says, "only a little."

An amused expression flooding his face, he only tightens his arm around her waist and helps her back to where he was stood, where Rachel finds her eyes meeting to reach Maddy's. She freezes, unsure of what to do, what to say. Does the girl know much about her? What has Finn said? And, staring up at her, Rachel suddenly feels vulnerable and self-conscious, and she doesn't like it one bit.

Thankfully, Finn steps in, "Rach, this is Maddy, and Maddy, this is my best friend, Rachel."

She holds out her hand quickly, taking Maddy's. "It's so lovely to meet you." Thank God she's an actress, or that may not have sounded as sincere as it did.

"You too," Maddy smiles softly, "it's great to finally meet the famous Rachel Berry."

"_Famous_?" she quirks her eyebrow, peering toward Finn. He looks down sheepishly.

"It seems you're a very popular subject for Finn," Maddy comments, a hint of annoyance to her tone that she tries to keep hidden, even as she glowers toward her boyfriend.

He quickly steps in, "babe, she's just my best friend." At that, Rachel grins smugly, leaning into Finn subconsciously, and she's totally oblivious to the way that Maddy's eyes narrow toward her.

Rachel quickly realizes that Blaine is still lingering beside her, not sure whether to introduce himself or not, and so she moves from Finn's grasp to her friend, sliding an arm around his shoulder. "Finn, Maddy, this is Blaine – the best Enjorlas is all of New York."

Bashful under the compliment, he manages to smile and wave in acknowledgement between the pair. She notices how Finn becomes slightly tenser, and she instantly wonders what the cause for it could be. But tonight is supposed to be about fun – that's why she'd invited Blaine after all – and so she takes Blaine's hand to lead him to the rest of the people dancing, pretending that she doesn't see Finn and Maddy practically rubbing against each other.

* * *

The party slowly makes its way into the night, Rachel seemingly a bouncing ball of energy as she stays with Blaine, jumping up and down more than dancing by now. He needs a break, giving an apologetic smile before heading to the bathroom, which leaves her by herself.

She stands awkwardly, wishing that she knew more people at this party but there are none which she recognizes, leaving her pretty lonely and pretending that she isn't.

It's ten minutes before she goes looking for Blaine; nobody pees for that long! Just as she's turning the corner of the spacious apartment, she runs into Finn, almost sending his drink flying over his shirt. "Whoa," he holds out a hand to steady her, "what's the rush?"

"Have you seen Blaine?"

"Oh," he says, "yeah, I saw him."

"Where?"

"He's making out with… with Kurt." Finn's face scrunches up in confusion, clearly not having have expected that outcome tonight. "You sure he's straight? I mean, no straight guy has pants that tight and like, I don't want you to be a beard or anything to h –"

Rachel frowns, forehead creasing. "Blaine isn't my boyfriend. As you correctly deducted, he is a one hundred percent gay. He calls himself a gold star gay, but one time in High School he got drunk and kissed a girl."

"He's not your boyfriend?" he asks, completely ignoring the last part of her speech, and looking decidedly relieved, too.

"No," she shakes her head.

"Good."

Rachel gives him a strange look, about to ask why exactly that's a good thing when Finn takes hold of her hand and says, "come on, let's dance." She knows something's wrong there; the only time Finn dances is when he's being made to, so now him voluntarily making his way in the crowd of dancers worries her slightly. Still, the feel of his hand on hers drags her mind along with her body, and she easily lets herself focus on swaying with him (really, that's the only type of dancing he knows.)

She then peers around the room, unable to stop the next sentence from shooting out of her mouth. "Where's Maddy? You two have been joined at the hip all night."

"She went out to get more beers. I'm in charge." He looks proud about that fact.

"Are you going to assert your manliness on us all?" she asks with a grin and quirked eyebrow.

Finn laughs, his grip on her hips tightening ever so slightly. "Are you teasing me?"

"Maybe," Rachel says slyly.

"How much have you had to drink?" he asks.

"I am _not_ drunk," she insists with a pout, "I'm just happy." Slowly, she leans her head against his chest, so they're slow dancing now, bodies so close that she can smell his cologne as strongly as ever, smiling to herself.

Finn looks fondly down at her, "why're you happy?"

"Because I'm here with you," she says, simply, not realizing her own mistake. He looks at her more intensely, a look that she can't quite decipher. And it persists, even as the song changes to something more upbeat. They remain in the corner of the room, still swaying to a different song, their own song.

And he's still looking at her.

When she peers up again in confusion, he swoops down and catches her lips on his. Finn tastes sweet, at the same time the kiss feeling electric, shocking, but that doesn't stop her enjoying it. It's better than she thought it would be, Finn's lips strong against her own, but not pushing too much, instead alternating between a harder touch and delicate brushes on his lips.

But just as quickly as it happened, he's gone. She opens her eyes (after not even realizing that she'd closed them) and looks at him.

Her heart plummets.

Finn looks shocked at his own actions, almost regretful, while she must look completely gobsmacked.

"I err…" he tries to explain his actions, but comes up short, and she is experiencing a similar situation. They just kissed, and now it's awkward and weird and –

"I need to go," she hears herself say rapidly, moving from his arms to go and find Blaine so that they can leave, even if she has to drag him off Kurt herself. Frantic as ever, she can barely turn around to look at Finn, but is unable to resist, and finds him staring at her, face scrunched up like it does when he's thinking really hard.

Why did she let him kiss her? _Why_?

* * *

She doesn't sleep well at all that night, spending most of the time fretting over what Finn's going to do. He kissed her. _He_ initiated it. Not her. She'd almost managed to convince herself that the action had been something completely produced by her mind, that she only imagined it, but it felt so real, better than she ever could have dreamed.

Only now, he regrets it. She knew that mere seconds after he pulled away, seeing the emotions relay through his face. First happiness, then confusion and finally the regret.

Rachel frowns to herself, wishing that he could have enjoyed it just as she had, the initial surprise making way to pure joy and excitement, because that kiss set every inch of her alive, just like she'd always wanted.

Sighing, she checks her phone again, in hopes that she'll have a missed call or text from him. Nothing. She tries; she does, sending yet another text to him. _Call me, we need to talk._

She waits ten minutes. Then another. Either Finn is too occupied with something else or he's ignoring her, because he doesn't want to face her after what happened. But they _have_ to talk about this; she has to know why he did it. Does he have feelings for her too? Has he wanted to ever kiss her before? These questions plague her mind, causing a headache to come on.

Rachel wants to know why, but that's not very likely when he won't even talk to her.

* * *

In the end, she has to wait up late for him to finish work.

Her heart pounds as she hears his keys in the door, then the usual footsteps making their way to the room. They stop. When she looks up, he's staring at her, looking extremely guilty.

"Hi," she whispers.

He knows why she's been waiting for him, and that shows on his face, the uncertainty edging its way back onto his expression. "I'm a total douche, you know that, right?"

Rachel frowns, "Finn, we need to talk about it."

"We were both drunk," he excuses his actions, "it happens." She feels her hopes drop, frown growing as he says that. But she doesn't want to overcomplicate things, to put Finn in a situation where he has to question their relationship, because she can't lose him, not over one kiss.

So she sighs and nods. "Okay," she agrees, praying that he doesn't hear the sadness to her tone.

"I hope you don't think I'm an idiot." He looks angry with himself, "I jeopardized our friendship _and_ my relationship with Maddy. I'm such an A-hole."

"No, you're not," Rachel shakes her head adamantly. "You were drunk. We both were…" She gently closes her eyes, "it didn't mean anything." Then she asks what she's been thinking for days, "does… does Maddy know?"

Finn visibly tenses. "Well, not yet, but… I have to tell her, don't I? I can't just lie and hope it never comes up. I need to get it out in the open, make it clear that there were no other intentions." He nods, as though convincing himself of his words, while she tries to give a supportive smile.

* * *

She opens the door, finding that he can barely stand straight, instantly moving out to take hold of his teetering form, "Finn, have you been drinking?" She recoils slightly at the strong smell of alcohol on his breath, at the same time struggling with his weight against her.

He makes a series of unintelligible noises, letting her lead him to the couch, which he practically flops onto, his coordination completely off. "Finn," she starts, worry seeping in, "what's wrong?"

"I – I… Maddy, she br… she," he drops his head into his hands.

"You what?" Rachel kneels on the floor before him, lifting his head gently. "Please, tell me." He's obviously hung up about something, and she's determined to help him out no matter what.

"We broke up," he whispers, face crestfallen.

Rachel sits back in shock, wondering what on Earth caused that; the last time she checked the two were going strongly. But that's the least of her worries now as Finn breaks down into tears. "Hey, _shhh_," she slides her around his waist into a soft, caring hug, "it'll be fine." She feels his body move with each cry, breaking her heart, "every couple has their little hiccups, and in the morning you can talk to her and work it out, okay?"

"But –"

"Finn, you can't talk to her in this state. You stink of alcohol, and you can hardly stand. Now I'm going to get you some water and aspirin, and then get you into bed."

She thinks he's about to start arguing again, but he takes one look into her eyes and sadly nods, waiting for her to come back with the water. When she does, he drinks it quickly, Rachel helping to hold the glass for him. She makes him take two aspirin and then acts as his support to his room, glad when he slowly sinks the bed.

Just as she's about to leave, he asks, "what about getting changed?"

Rachel pauses, bites her lip, and replies. "I'm not going to help you with that, Finn. Look," she pulls some from his dresser, "here are the things, but you'll have to do it yourself." She leaves no room for argument as she puts them on the bed beside him and then leaves the room, closing the door gently behind her.

Now tired herself, she decides to call it a night and heads to her own room. The bed greets her with warmth and comfort, easily lulling her into a soft sleep.

It's only disrupted when she feels the bed move, eyes shooting open to find someone next to her. And then her eyes focus, Finn staring sleepily back at her.

"Finn, what are you doing?!" she hisses

"Rachel," he whispers gently, leaning closer. His lips find a spot on her neck, gently sucking the skin.

She doesn't know what to do. Her entire body just seems to freeze, as Finn does things to her that she's only imagined about. Maybe she's dreaming; that's the only thing that could explain this, but then again it feels so real. _He_ feels so real. She smiles.

Wait, what is she doing? Finn is drunk, he's upset about breaking up with his girlfriend, and now he's in her bed. This isn't right, and she needs to put an end to it right now.

Just as she's about to call out his name again, his lips meet her own, initiating a deep, fiery kiss and, to her dismay, _she kisses him back_. It's like all sense flees from her mind, like there are no consequences. All she can feel is Finn kissing her, her body afloat on cloud nine. Her hands slowly move down to his chest, where he apparently hadn't got all the way with getting changed, and meet bare, smooth skin. She whimpers against his lips.

And then it's all happening so fast, that she barely has time to think, let alone think that she's probably doing the stupidest thing in her entire life as they both undress, bodies writhing against one another, moans and cries the only sound in the room.

When he slides inside her for the first time, she still can't tell herself that it's wrong, because it just feels _right_ to her.

* * *

Rachel wakes, a little groggily at first, before she feels movement on the bed that doesn't belong to her. She panics, only for a few mere seconds, then finds the memories of last night flooding back – her and Finn… A smile grows on her lips, her gaze focusing, and that's when she hears him.

Peering up, she pinpoints his large body. He's sat on the edge of the bed, now changed back into his sweat pants, in contrast to her nakedness, but her attention is quickly drawn from that when she realizes that he's _crying_.

Sitting up straighter now, she holds the comforter around her chest, inching closer to Finn with dread in her heart. She knows why he's crying, but she just doesn't want to admit it to herself, because it hurts too much to do so. Rachel reaches out, handing falling on his shoulder, "hey."

He recoils at her touch, turning to her with his red rimmed eyes, holding the pain and regret deep inside.

That one look feels like a dagger cutting jaggedly into her chest.

It's the moment that she knows things aren't ever going to be the same between them.

* * *

She tries to act normal, like she and Finn didn't have sex last night, and she never thought that she could carry this much guilt over something that she'd once dreamed would happen with Finn. How has her feelings over the matter changed so quickly; why now does she feel so shamed?

The answer comes when she's making them both coffee, the room an uncomfortable silence that they've never had to deal with before. He can't look in her eyes. She can't look in his, and maybe they're physically together, but right now their thoughts couldn't be further apart. Rachel considers making him breakfast, knowing that he won't do it for himself. Well, not a healthy option anyway, and she feels almost as though she owes it to him.

All thoughts of breakfast fly out of her mind when she catches him staring at a picture of himself with Maddy on the refrigerator. She keeps her chin up, eyes watering only a little, while trying not to let him see the devastation on her face.

After all they've been through that previous night, he still isn't hers; he doesn't love her and only her. He's still torn up over her break up, that much is obvious now, and she'd ignored that pain in favor of getting what she wanted, what she's always wanted.

All of a sudden Finn leans his chin against his propped up hands and says, "I – I've messed up everything."

Rachel holds it together, as he laments over the loss of his relationship with Maddy, and then with her. "Friends shouldn't sleep together. I just – I – uh, why is everything so confusing? My head is so… _screwed_ _up_ right now – I'm not thinking straight." And then he apologizes, making her sit across from him, taking hold of her hands.

She lets him, all the while hurting inside, a strong ache gnawing at her heart. This isn't supposed to be like this – he shouldn't regret what they did. When she cries, he thinks it's because she feels the same way about it, their mistake, and she doesn't have it in her to tell him otherwise. To tell the truth. So she lets him comfort her, whisper 'sorry' gently in her ear while his hand strokes her hair in a soothing manner. If anything, the close lingering of his body makes her cry even further.

* * *

"I should have told him," she sighs as she's sat in Blaine's apartment, her friend beside her with his hands wrapped around a hot mug of green tea. She's the same, only she's barely touched hers. Instead she stares into it as though it's the most interesting thing in the world, not wanting to see Blaine's reaction to that.

He makes a sympathetic sound, hand rubbing against her arm, "sweetie, maybe it's for the best that he doesn't know."

Rachel's body slumps, pout forming on her lips. "I don't even know what's for the best anymore." She gives pause, and then manages to look up in his direction, "when I used to think about Finn and I kissing, we were happy, both of us, and then sleeping together… it wasn't something that he wished hadn't happened – he wasn't supposed to regret it."

Pursing his lips together, he says, "Finn is in a tough time at the minute. He and Maddy had been together for three months before she broke up with him, he's got to be confused, missing her." Now it's Blaine's turn to hesitate, not sure whether the next thing will hurt Rachel or not. "And… what happened between you two has got to be even more confusing for him – you don't just have sex with your best friend unless there's something there, and now he's got to figure out what that something is."

She nods, a little sadly, before placing her mug on the coffee table, "I'm just scared."

Scrunching his eyebrows closer together, he looks to her. "Scared of what?"

"Scared of Finn finding it too weird that we were… together. And, you know, what if he can't handle it? What if things are totally different between us now?"

Blaine nods in understanding. "It's going to be different no matter what. You can't change what happened," he says gently, "but completely ignoring that it did can't be good for you, or Finn. You need to talk about it."

"But he doesn't want to talk about it," she cries out in frustration. "All he wanted to do was apologize and then repeat to himself that he screwed everything up. Whenever I tried to mention something about why it happened he'd just apologize again – I know he's not in a good place right now but holding in what he is will end in disaster. I know Finn, he bottles up all his feelings and thoughts; he doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems." She sighs.

They fall into a silence, both deep in thought and figuring out what the right thing to do is. She knows that Finn needs some time to think for himself; what's best for him and only him, and not what she wants. But then there's the huge tug still pulling at her heart, the need for Finn to finally know.

It would make things easier, to have all the feelings out in the open. And then Finn would know, and she wouldn't have to hide it anymore. The thought of her secret being free is both liberating and terrifying.

And then she'd get a clear indication of what could happen, if there is any chance of what she wants. If not, then she can focus on just being his best friend, no matter what heartache it brings. Maybe she could consider dating other guys, too, no longer living in a state of constantly hoping.

That sounds… good.

The more she thinks about it, the more she wants to tell him, feeling like it would be best for her and Finn. She has to do it. She _has_ to tell him.

* * *

She wonders whether Finn can tell what's she about to do – if he can feel it somehow, but then she knows that's silly. It's not as though they're physically connected. But still, Rachel feels something there, the same something that grew the second their lips connected in the tenderness of a kiss, or the second they became physically joined as one. Maybe, she closes her eyes and prays, he feels that something, too.

With the production already started, she has to be out of the apartment pretty early to get ready for each performance, so she's hoping to catch Finn before he goes to work himself.

Stepping outside of her bedroom, she finds him at the tiny kitchen islands, looking decidedly like a giant compared to the small stools, but all she can do is smile adorningly his way. He turns, mouth stuffed full of toast, and smiles. It's a little hesitant – they've all been like that since that night – but it's still a smile.

Rachel pulls a face at him, slowly walking to linger to his right side. She keeps a cool façade, though inside she feels like she's on full meltdown, so nervous that it's a huge job to keep her fingers from trembling. How do you just tell someone that you love them? How do you look into the eyes of that person and spill out your most vulnerable secret, open your heart to them? This isn't the sort of thing they teach you to do during school, or give you classes on – this is something that Rachel Berry has never, _ever_ been prepared for, and now she has to take the plunge and actually do it.

"Morning," he chimes happily, leading Rachel to a curious look his way. This time yesterday he was still upset over him and Maddy, and now it's as though the break up never happened.

He finishes the last bit of toast before hopping to his feet, only to find her in his path. "You want something Rach?" he smiles down to her, Rachel moving to let him past, and following him into the kitchen.

"Can we talk? I – I kind of have something that I want to tell you,"

"Oh," he pauses, turning around again. "I have something to tell you, too." He beams, one that could rival her own, and Rachel ignores her confusion to wonder what he could want to say. "What is it that you were gonna say?" Finn looks almost childlike as his gaze fixes itself on her.

She goes to speak, and really tries to get it out, but a momentary fear paralyses her from doing so, and she _panics_. "Err, you go first."

"You sure?" he looks slightly taken aback.

Rachel bites her lip, nodding vigorously.

"Well, you're the first person that I'll tell. I mean, you're my best friend, I tell you everything," he says, leaning himself against the cabinet. Rachel, on the other hand, stays completely tense as she stands straight, a bad feeling sinking into her stomach. Finn's grin reaches an all-time high before he cries out, "Maddy and I are back together."

Her breath hitches, inside knotting tightly in twines of tangled mess. She must look as though she got kicked right in the stomach. "_What_?"

Finn nods, "I know, it's completely crazy. But she called me last night while you were at Blaine's house and we talked everything out."

"Everything?" she questions, "so she knows that…"

"Yeah, I told her about what we did. She was – err, she was mad," he scratches the back of his head idly, "but when I explained that it didn't mean anything like that she said it was okay."

"Right," Rachel agrees, reluctantly so, sadness tingeing her voice, not that Finn notices, trapped in his own happy bubble, where everything is right once more. "I'm – I'm happy for you," she tells him. It's not a lie, she is first and foremost his best friend, and so she doesn't want him to be miserable. But in the back of her mind there's still a nagging little thought – _I could make him happy, if only he let me._

His arms slide around her; his tight hold making her yearn for more, for his touch again. She presses her face against his shoulder, closing her eyes and just breathing in the moment, at the same time seeking the comfort from her best friend. He has no idea how this hurts her, how _he_ hurts her, though unintentionally. And how is he supposed to know? She couldn't tell him a few moments ago, the words almost stuck in her throat. Perhaps she is never meant to reveal it, perhaps her secret is one of those best kept hidden, or perhaps she knows that telling him will cause more heartbreak than is worth. In the end, he wouldn't choose her, not when he has Maddy again.

"Are we good, you and me?" Finn questions. "I know that what happened was unexpected, but when I'm drunk I just… I do stupid things and I might have taken advantage of you."

"No," she quickly says, adding in a quick lie of, "I'd been drinking too. We… we really shouldn't drink together… But it's fine. Like you said, it didn't – didn't mean anything."

Finn gives a sigh of relief. "What did you want to say?" he now asks, pulling back from the hug but still keeping them connected with his warm hands around hers.

She thinks quickly on her feet, flustered for a moment when nothing came. "I, um - I got you tickets to see the play. Front row."

"That's my Rach," he nudges her side with a grin, "we'll give the biggest cheer of the whole night, just for you. And a standing ovation, too." A proud look passes his face, "you're going to be a star Rachel, I know it. You're special."

The smile never manages to meet her eyes.

She doesn't _feel_ very special.

* * *

And so life goes on.

It's strange, she almost confessed her uttermost secret to Finn, and now she's back to square one; watching in the distance as he lives his life with another person, while she's just waiting, waiting for _something_ to change.

Maddy doesn't like her, not now anyway. She knows about the kiss and the sex, and honestly, Rachel's not surprised that she doesn't want to spend any time at their apartment, where she is. This doesn't bother her: she doesn't want to see the woman either, knowing that it'll just cause the pain in her heart to grow, especially when Finn gazes oh so lovingly her way.

She tries to distract herself, to forget about them, but her mind always finds a way to return to the couple. Even when she'd had a date – a hopeless attempt to substitute Finn – she could not get the pair out of her head, feeling frustrated and angry with herself afterwards.

The worst thing, however, is pretending that she's okay with them. Finn is still her best friend after all, and he talks about his girlfriend a lot. It's almost as if he's pushed the memory of the sex they had to the back of his mind, like it didn't happen. He doesn't mention it, and she fears that doing so herself could lead to something bad for them. And she acts happy, just like him.

She smiles and helps when he asks her what flowers are best for girls, or what presents they like most. She goes shopping with him to pick out jewelry for her, decides what clothes he wears for meals with her parents, and she tells him that he's doing the right thing, being with her again. Because she wants him to be happy. If he's happy, then so is she. Or so she tells herself.

* * *

She's with Kurt when he gets the call, the man rolling his eyes occasionally as he listens to Finn's slightly drunk garbling down the phone. Then he freezes, his hand reaching out to support him where he stands, before his brows dip together in confusion, "_excuse me_?"

Rachel sits up straight now, the shock to Kurt's tone grabbing her attention. He gives her a look, then moves into the kitchen where she hears a series out shouts and names thrown Finn's way. What on Earth has he done?

On her feet, she slowly begins to pad across the living room nearer Kurt, finding him whispering in harsh tones. "Are you absolutely crazy?" A pause. "No, this is not normal. You've known the girl for about three months and _now you're married._ Finn Hudson, what is _wrong_ with you?"

All at once, her heart and breath halts.

Then, she blinks, finding tears suddenly blocking her view, head spinning. He's married. Finn is married. To another woman, a woman who isn't her. Rachel lets out a sharp gasp, hand flying over her mouth, as though to keep in her sobs. Kurt looks up, her reaction completely baffling him, while she continues to let the despair sink in at the news. There's a lump rising in her throat, choking her with sadness, and she takes one last look at Kurt before running out of the room and into the comfort of her own where she breaks down and lets out ugly, heartbroken sobs.

* * *

"I heard," is the first thing Blaine says as he arrives on their doorstep with two tubs of ice cream and a sympathetic look.

She takes the ice cream.

"I don't want to talk about it." Blaine follows her quickly, closing the door behind himself and stalking her to the couch, which she throws herself down dramatically. Just as he tries to speak, she shakes her head, "please stop reminding me. I just want to live in a world where Finn isn't… - he…" She almost cries out in frustration when the tears return. She found out over a day ago and she still has no control of them.

"Sweetie, come here," he frowns, moving hug her from the side, his chin resting against her shoulder. "It's okay to cry."

"I'm sick of crying," she mumbles as she wipes her eyes with a tissue. "I'm sick of… of feeling this way about Finn and just having to watch him have all these important steps in his life while I'm just stuck here."

"You're not stuck. Didn't Will say recommended you to another director on the West End? That's in _England_, Rach, you are far from stuck. You have so many options right now."

She sighs; that bit is true. Auditions for _Oliver Twist_ are advancing in London, and the director of her current production highly recommended her to the other, and she's managed to land an auditions – all she needs is to work on her accent for playing the role of Nancy, while everything else is taken care of, thanks to Blaine and his kindness, offering to go with her for the weekend while paying for their travels (coming from a particularly wealthy family must be wonderful, she thinks.)

And she _should_ be excited, ecstatic even, but being away from Finn when he's only just returned from his own mini vacation makes her heart give a painful pang of longing.

Things will be different now though, when he returns. He's a married man; he has a family now – a family which doesn't include her, and that means that either Maddy's going to be moving in, or he's going to be moving out.

She doesn't know which option is worse.

* * *

It's after she spends the afternoon packing Finn's things with him and he's left that she finally picks up the wine bottle and situates herself on the comfortable couch. She calls in sick for work, and gets out _Funny girl, _putting it on silently.

The first few glasses disappear quickly, Rachel feeling absolutely pathetic as she cries over Finn, wondering when this will ever stop.

She vaguely remembers getting her phone out, seeing a text from Finn, but she doesn't bother to respond to the message. She doesn't want to. She's so sick of being hung up on him when it's pointless, when nothing will ever happen.

And then the feelings come on strong and fast, and she needs someone to talk to, so she calls the one person who she's trusted this with. "Blaine," she slurs through the phone, not giving him a chance to say anything, "I'm such an idiot – so, so much, but you're my friend so you won't tell me. I know, though. I just… I can't help the way I feel… sometimes it's all so overwhelming, like I won't ever be able to love another guy, and then I think why would I want to do that? Finn is… he's Finn and I love him because of everything that he is, but it's getting harder."

Speaking at such a fast pace, she hardly takes any breaks for a breath, "it's never been _easy_, but it's just never felt so hard before… I can't do this anymore, Blaine. I wish that I could put my feelings aside, that I could be genuinely happy for him, but I can't, and every time I see him with her I just want to cry and listen to sad music."

She finally breathes in a sigh, asking, "do you think I'm deluding myself into thinking there was anything there?"

"Rachel?"

She freezes.

That _isn't_ Blaine.

Despite her drunken stupor, she can manage to hang up the call, throwing her cell across the floor as if it burned her. She stares at it, wide eyed, before curling her knees into her chest and dropping her head to them.

As if things couldn't get any worse.

The phone starts ringing again, startling Rachel. She stands, then stumbles her way over to it and turns it off with shaky hands, her heart feeling like it's going to beat out of her chest. Rachel stares at it, unbelieving to what she's just done. How was she supposed to know that Finn would answer Blaine's phone? She knew that they were all going out tonight – Maddy's idea of some stupid double date – but she never expected _this_.

Maybe she can avoid Finn until their flight tomorrow afternoon, she thinks as she springs into action. Blaine could probably convince him, for now, that it was just drunk ramblings, but Finn knows her, and he'll be after the truth soon enough.

* * *

London is amazing.

She stares around at the buildings in awe, then at the people. While in some ways it's similar to New York, in others it's completely different, and she loves that about it. Maybe she needs a change; perhaps she needs a break, from Finn and New York. She loves them both, very dearly so, but she needs to find herself again, the person she was before Finn, because by now she's accepted that it's never going to end the way she wants, no matter how much she prays and hopes. The universe just doesn't work that way.

And besides, Finn will be better off without her.

In all honesty she's dreading going home, to hear what he has to say; to hear the pity and sympathy in his voice as he tells her that he doesn't love her, and that he's sorry. He's been calling, too many times to count, but she can't bring herself around to listen to the messages he leaves, for hearing his voice while he's not there will make her miss him, too much.

After the audition, she'd gone off by herself to explore, leaving Kurt and Blaine to their shopping spree that Kurt so eagerly insisted on. Even though they're worried about her – after having heard her drunk ramblings – they know that she needs time to consider her actions, to evaluate the future. She finds a park bench, just sitting and thinking.

She knows, in her heart, that what she's going to do is the right thing, for both her and Finn. He deserves to be happy with Maddy and she deserves to have a chance at finding what they have. Being there, in New York with him always around, she isn't going to get that.

That was how the hardest decision in her life suddenly became the easiest.

* * *

"Home sweet home," Kurt announces as she, him and Blaine walk through the door to the empty, dark apartment. The light is switched on and suddenly everything sparks to life, the whole room feeling warmer than before. Rachel smiles at the familiarity that home brings, knowing that she'll miss it, just as she does her old home in Ohio where her dads are. "I suggest we celebrate our return to New York with a bottle of wine and some _Vampire Diaries_ reruns."

Blaine casts a glance toward his few bags of things, "sorry guys, I've gotta take these back to my apartment. Living so far away sucks."

Rachel looks sad, then peers up to Kurt. Instead, he looks decisive. "You're right. You do live too far away. "

"Yes, I know," he sighs, "I've been looking for apartments near here, it's just that it's difficult with the show and my work at the coffee shop and – "

"Just move in here then," Kurt says, just as easily as that, the smallest of smiles growing on his lips. "It's not like most of your stuff isn't already here."

"B-but Kurt, that's a huge step – we haven't even talked about this and –" Kurt cuts him off with a tender kiss to his lips, their foreheads leaning against one another when they finish. "Go and unpack your things in our room." Blaine beams, kissing Kurt frantically once more before he picks up his things and moves into the bedroom, Kurt likely to follow in a few minutes to make sure that his organized wardrobe is not ruined.

She watches on, a smile on her lips, but not exactly feeling the love in the room. Everyone in her life is stepping forward with things, relationships blossoming, and she has nothing. Every guy that she tries to date loses interest sooner or later, and the one guy that she could truly be herself with is a husband to somebody else. When did life become so unfair?

* * *

In the morning when she steps out of her room, wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep, she finds Finn on the couch as though he still lives there. She freezes, knowing exactly why he's there, knowing what he wants, and she isn't sure whether she's ready for his rejection just yet.

But it's too late to do anything as he turns upon hearing her bedroom door creak shut, a relieved expression when he sees her, "Rachel." On his feet, he advances toward her quickly and envelopes her in the tightest of hugs. "I've been calling for days. I was so worried."

She doesn't return the hug.

For once the warmth of his embrace doesn't ease the tension from her, and she looks down, unable to let their gazes meet. "I wouldn't have known what to say." Her voice is barely a whisper. She scared of what Finn's going to do next, knowing in her heart that the outcome isn't going to be good for her, no matter how much she hopes otherwise. A lump is already rising in her throat, to accompany the tears that no doubt will follow.

"We need to talk." Rachel takes in a deep breath.

"I know…"

When she does glance up to his face, it's saddened, pitiful. "You – you love me?"

She stays silent for a few moments, the air around them growing thicker, and Rachel feels like it's suffocating her. Bringing her arms up to hug herself tightly, she says, "I do love you."

"Okay," he breathes out, looking thoughtful as he sits himself down on the couch. She supposes that he's spent the whole time she's been gone thinking about this himself, trying to figure out the right thing to do. By the looks of it, and just like her, he didn't find out what that was. His neck cranes, eyes scrunching together slightly, "how long Rachel? And why… why did you never tell me? I…" he shakes his head, the information still not entirely sinking in. "I had to find out through a drunk dial."

"I was too scared to tell you!"

"Scared?"

Rachel closes her eyes, trying to hold back the tears. "You're my best friend – there was more than just my feelings at stake. There was our _entire friendship_ on the line. I couldn't just flounce up to you and be all, "oh, I love you," and that be it."

"Well you could have said something!"

"What could I have possibly said?" she snaps back at him, "I've never told anyone that I love them in that way before, especially anyone like you."

He halts, his eyebrows dipping together. "What do you mean by that? Anyone like _me_?"

"Finn," she gives a watery smile, "You're you. You're the most important person that I'd ever say it to. It had to be… it had to be special." Her lower lip trembling, she quickly wipes at her eyes, "but I knew you wouldn't say it back, why would you? You've never shown an ounce of interest in me, for all our years as friends. And then Maddy came along and ruined everyth –"

"How do you know that I was never interested in you?" She halts, taken aback. Rachel stares up at Finn, then her eyes become considerably darker.

"_Don't_," she points in his direction, "don't lie to me Finn. Especially not like that." He doesn't understand how just one sentence can make her feelings appear so strongly, and at the same time so painfully.

"Who said I'm lying?"

She shakes her head in disbelief, "Finn why are you doing this to me? Are you angry because I ignored you this weekend? Are you annoyed that I ruined your perfect little world by telling you the truth? Well then I'm sorry, I really am, but for you to just pretend as though these feelings are mutual is just _cruel_, and I can't believe you of all people would do something like that to me."

"Rachel," he tries.

"If you don't want me to talk to you anymore, then fine, I'll do that. Or if you want me to pretend that I never said anything I will, but to sit here and let you mock me is something I won't do," she rants on, half way between pissed and upset.

His face falls, sadly gazing toward her. "We can't just… ignore that this happened."

"Oh, is that not what we did after we had sex? What's the difference here?" she shouts, voice laced with irritation, "I'm sure you'd be real happy to just let this pass by and forget about it in a few years, then go and live your life, without me. That's what would be idea, isn't it? Me out of the picture? Come on, we're both thinking it."

"No… that's… that's not at all what I want!" Finn yells back, taken by surprise at the passion in his own voice. He takes a deep, shaky breath, unable to keep his eyes off of her. "I was trying to convince myself that what we did was wrong." She winces at the tone of his voice, "but I couldn't do it Rachel. It felt… it felt right, completely right and I – I…" Rachel hears the hesitance in his voice, finding herself peering to him curiously, desperately hoping that the next thing he says is what she wants to hear. "I acted as though I didn't want it to happen, that it was weird for us to do that." His hand runs through his disheveled hair, messing it even further, "I lied and I acted like…like it didn't mean anything and –"

"You lied to me?" she asks quietly, her gut tight and uncomfortable. On one hand she should be happy, with Finn eluding there what she's always wanted might be true, that her feelings are not entirely one sided, while at the same time it hurts to realize that he lied about it, that if he'd told her sooner then all this mess wouldn't have happened and she wouldn't be in love with a married man. Her chest tightens, "you lied to us all so that it wouldn't ruin your relationship with Maddy."

"That's not true," he insists, "we were broken up at that point."

A wry smile forms on her lips, "but that's not entirely true, is it? You were going to talk to her in the morning, to try and fix things. You had every intention of dating her again…"

He gives pause, frustration clear on his face. Rachel almost reaches out to take his hand, but then stops herself, keeping a distance, while gazing on sadly. Finn hangs his head to the ground, before mumbling, "I didn't know what I wanted. I mean, I'd just broken up with someone and then you were there and all these feelings came. Like when I kissed you – I didn't know where they came from, they just _did_. And I tried to understand what they meant, I really did." He takes a deep breath, daring to look at her once again, "it kind of scared me. So… so when Maddy wanted to start things up again it was a relief, because with her… it's easy. And not confusing, but right now I kind of feel like my head is going to explode."

Rachel gives in, slowly sitting herself beside him.

As she does so, he looks up to her, "I love you Rachel."

"W-what?"

He looks torn, but still says it again, "I've been trying to refuse to believe it, to feel what I do, but I can't act like it's not true anymore. I love you"

Her heart jumps about erratically in her chest, her mind jumps for joy, but her mouth says, "not as much as you love Maddy."

Finn is silent.

"It's okay," she insists, "Finn, you're married to her, of course no other woman in the world is going to compare to her."

"But…" he starts.

She shakes her head, "I accepted a long time ago that this was never meant to be. You belong with her." It kills her to say so, but anything to make this less confusing for Finn is what she wants. And she's not going to let him screw up his marriage for her sake.

"You love her, right?"

"Of course I do," he says.

Rachel puts on a brave face, "well then forget about this feeling, about me, and just focus on making her happy, being the amazing husband that I'm sure you are."

"How can I just forget about you?" he questions. "I don't want to, and that's not something that I think I can do. I mean, you're the first person that I want to share everything with, you're my best friend."

She smiles sadly, bowing her head. "I got the part."

"What?" he frowns.

"The part of Nancy." At this, he smiles, proudly so, and wraps her in a tight hug. "But I have to move to London."

Finn pulls back in an instant. "No, you can't."

"Why not?"

He doesn't know how to respond to that, mouth agape. "I just… you can't just leave." His eyes are unbelieving, or more refusing to believe, and she wishes that she didn't have to go, but she convinces herself otherwise – it would be a bad idea to stay around Finn while he's at this stage in his life, just starting on his marriage, and she, she doesn't want to feel so lonely anymore. She wants a chance at love, the one that she'd never had with Finn.

"You know I have to," she whispers, "we both do."

* * *

"So what are you going to do?" Blaine and Kurt sit either side of her, after having listened about the conversation between her and Finn. She sighs, too emotionally drained to be talking about the same thing.

She gently sips at her tea, before filling their waiting silence with an answer. "Exactly what was planned. I'm still going to London, and nothing between Finn and I has changed.

"But he said he has feelings for you," Blaine counters.

"Finn is married."

"It was Maddy's idea though," Kurt offers, "he told me so. And you know Finn; he goes along with things to please people. He was probably trying to make it up to her after their huge fallout."

Rachel sighs, her small form slumping further down the couch. "You don't get married just to make it up to someone. He loves her. She's his wife." She's resigned to the fact that this is the way it's supposed to be; they're going to be separated by an entire ocean in just a couple of weeks, and really, she's only kidding herself to think that they could have worked out . Everything is too messy, too convoluted. "I'm not going to make him choose between us, I _can't_ do that to him."

"So what?" Blaine says, "you're just going to leave? You're still his best friend, you know."

She bites her lower lip, nodding sadly. "I know, and he's mine, but to keep this up would be torture for the both of us. I can't do that to him… it would be unfair to." Rachel sighs, "I love him too much to do that." Face falling, she frowns deeply, thin lines appearing on her forehead, "I am going to miss him, so much, but this is the right thing to do." She nods, affirming her decision. It's going to be hard, and there'll be times when she'll probably just want to hear his voice, or see his smiling face.

_I'm doing the right thing_ she tells herself. Maybe if she's says it enough she'll truly believe it.

* * *

The days seem to move by before she has time to blink, and she finds herself the night before she leaves, surrounded by cardboard boxes and staring sadly into the apartment. It's not like she's going to be gone forever, but there's three months of rehearsals, and then the two months in London, and if she does the tour then that's even longer. She could be looking at just under a year away from New York, away from Finn, from Kurt and Blaine. A fresh start.

Three sharp knocks beckon from the door, and she slowly makes her way to find Finn standing behind it, a bottle of red wine in his hand and a stack of DVDs in the other. "You could have just walked straight in," she says, "you did used to live here." Opening the door wider for him, she watches as he passes, "what's the wine for?"

Finn smiles, "I thought we could just relax, watch a few movies. Like old times…" The thought of spending the night alone with Finn both excites and scares her. It's no secret to anyone that he's been trying to convince her against going, saying that there are roles for her here in New York, that he wants her to stay. She's declined, of course, but with each time he asks she feels her heart being tugged in his direction, and leaving becomes that little bit harder.

And after their heart to heart upon her return from London, it's been awkward, but they've both been trying, knowing that they're on limited time. Their feelings aren't mentioned, but she'll occasionally catch Finn just staring at her, as though he's thinking of talking about it again.

"You want some wine?" he questions when he comes back from the kitchen with two glasses.

Rachel hesitates, remembering what happens every time they drink together. "I don't think that's the best idea Finn…" His expression falls, and then he gently places down the bottle and sits himself down, too. "Where's Maddy?" she hears herself asking, not particularly caring where the woman is, just wanting to fill in the conversation.

"Oh, she has a… a book club today," Finn nods, "besides, that's not important. What is important is you." She manages a smile. Peering around at the boxes, Finn sighs, "you really are doing this, huh? I thought… I thought that if I'd be able to persuade you not to… at some point. Guess your mind is really set."

"It's a really good opportunity for me," she says aloud what she's been telling herself all week, "I mean, it's one of the leads."

He gives a small smile, "I always knew that you'd do well. You're special, Rach."

A beam grows on her face, almost blinding. Finn just stares, almost adoringly, and she wishes that they were in a situation where that was okay, where they could kiss when they wanted, do what they wanted. So instead she gently takes his hand, smiling at the warmth that it brings.

It doesn't go further than that, Maddy on both of their minds, and she really is just torturing herself, having him so near but not being allowed to do something about the pounding of her heart, the happiness that swims within her body.

They sit and they watch the movies, for the last time in months; it makes her think of how comfortable she is around him, how everything seems brighter and better, and she wonders if she's ever going to find that with someone else.

* * *

"Okay, you got everything?" Blaine asks.

"You've asked me that like, five times already," she smiles, before pulling her friend in for a tight hug, which he easily returns, "I'm going to miss you."

He smiles against her shoulder, "I'll miss you, too."

"And promise me that you'll look after Kurt," Rachel says as she stands back, pointing warningly in his direction, "I'll be calling to check up on you as much as I can anyway. And we can Skype as well. Or even send letters. As long as we stay in touch."

Blaine's smile grows, "of course. And besides, Kurt and I are coming to see the show on opening night, so we'll see you then." Checking his watch, he sighs, "you better go through. Your flight's soon." They join together for another hug, him whispering, "love you."

"I love you," she mumbles back, "you've helped me a lot, Blaine. Thank you." She smiles, kissing his cheek delicately, before picking up her handbag. With everything ready, she says her final farewell and is on her way when she gets a phone call.

She cautiously presses it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Rach," comes Finn's voice.

Rachel sighs, "please tell me that this isn't a last minute attempt for you to convince me to stay. My mind is made, Finn, and I need to go. I'm doing the right thing by both of us. You can have a happy marriage with Maddy now, without me interfering."

He pauses, "I – I… wasn't going to do that. I mean, I'd love for you to stay here, but I get it, okay? I get that being here isn't doing you any good. Do you think I don't see the sad glances you give us, how you just randomly sigh and then say it was nothing? Begging you to stay and then being the reason that you do all that stuff would make me a total douche… I just want you to be happy." Silence. "I love you."

Her breath hitches, eyes welling with tears. And she knows that he loves Maddy as well, of course he does. But for now this is all she needs. She savors the moment, and whispers, "I love you too." A single tear slides down her cheek.

"You're going to be the best one out there," he says, completely assured, "you're a star, Rachel Berry, go and show the world just that." As usual, his unwavering support makes her smile, a watery smile, and her heart swells ten times its size.

"I'm going to miss you so much," she says, closing her eyes, waiting to just hear his voice and nothing else.

"I know," he responds, "I kind of feel like I'm losing an arm or something. Oh wait – that's kind of gross, isn't it?"

She laughs, shaking her head even though he can't see it, "no, I know what you mean. I feel like that, too."

More silence.

Then, "I really wish it didn't end up this way… maybe if one of us had just done something sooner, then we'd, you know, be together."

"Finn," she begins.

"No, just… it'd be nice, that's all."

Rachel tries to keep her smile there, "but you have Maddy, and you love her."

"Yeah," he agrees.

Unable to stop herself, she feels more tears fall. She'd never expected to be in this predicament, at twenty three years old, in love with her best friend, who just so happens to be married, and moving to a whole other continent just so that she can escape the pain. But once more, the burden of her secrets weighs heavy on her shoulders, and she just knows that she can't leave without telling him. He deserves to know.

"You still there Rach?"

She bites her lip, takes in a deep breath, and lets it out. "Finn, I'm pregnant."

Rachel can practically imagine his face now; it's probably how she'd looked going to the doctors and finding out her fate. How on Earth could she be just under two months pregnant? But then she remembered her and Finn, and things suddenly became more complicated.

"Finn?" she asks out softly, her voice shadowed by the oncoming tears.

He attempts to speak, but it doesn't make much sense.

"I'm sorry, I just… I had to tell you. I can't keep this from you, your own… k – god, I'm so sorry Finn."

"Please don't apologize. We both made the decision to have sex, it's just… I never expected this, oh crap. What are we going to do? What about your play? What about us? Maddy? Shit."

"I don't know," Rachel cries, "I don't know what to do. I mean, there are ways to make me look less pregnant on stage for when I start showing, or I could… I mean…"

She waits for him to put the pieces together. "Abort the baby?"

"If you wanted me t –"

"It doesn't matter what I want! It's your body, your baby, too." He insists, "and, for the record, I wouldn't… not that, but it's your decision Rachel."

In the distance she's hears her flight being called, but at the same time she needs Finn telling her that this will all be okay. Still, she has to get on that plane. "I have to go."

"Rach, please come back. You can get another flight. I'll pay for it. I just… I need to see you."

"I need to go," she says, her voice more insistent, "Finn, let me go."

"Please," he says, his voice more strained than ever. "Don't go, not yet."

Closing her eyes, she whispers, "I'll call you when I land." Ignoring him calling her name frantically over the phone, she hangs up. Wiping her eyes quickly, she holds her head up high and gets ready to board the plane, all the while trying to convince herself that she's just made the right decision.

* * *

**Please review :) (and er, don't hate me too much)**

**I'll probably add another chapter at some point, when I'm in an angsty writing mood. **


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